Diary of a Discount Shopper: Something Every Shopper Needs in her Purse


Dear Diary,

Today I took a much needed shopping break.  The weather was beautiful, so I put the top down, cranked the hairband music up, and took off to the lake.  There’s nothing like making that drive with the wind blowing through my hair to relieve stress.

So you’re probably asking, “Why are you stressed, Alicia?’  Well, I can’t tell you everything, but the shortened story is that in the past month, we’ve bought a house, got robbed, and wrecked two of the three vehicles- not to mention that we’ve had a couple of holidays mixed in there somewhere.  The vehicles are smaller damages.  The funny thing is that we’ve never had an insurance claim in our lives.. now potentially three in a week?

I *might* be a little busy (and grouchy).  And I sure as heck don’t need to get sick.  Because I am a very healthy person, I should not be forced to stay home because all of the sick people feel compelled to go shopping.  Or drag their sick kids to the mall.

Facebook Status Update

Anonymous User:  I think we’re all dying.  We’ve had this stomach virus for over 3 weeks.  We’re to the point that to walk across the room, we have to stuff the bathroom towels in the seat of our pants. 10:15 a.m., Sunday.

SAME Anonymous User:  Well, just got back from church.  Thank goodness my prayer worked- no bodily noises were made during the prayer AND we didn’t stain the pews.  However, I did get sick twice.  I think we’re dying.  So glad we made it to church, though.  12:20 p.m., Sunday.

STILL The Same Anonymous User:  WALMART is P-A-C-K-E-D!  Can you believe that I just stopped in to buy some new blouses and eat the free samples and I’ve been in line for an hour?  It’s a good thing they keep those toys next to the register for the kids to play with.  Jimmy looks so cute slobbering all over that Disney Princess Pen!  4:25 p.m., Sunday.

Yup- Same Anonymous User:  Prayers needed for Linda, Bobby, Sally, Jim, Eric, Matthew, Emily, Jill, John, Melissa, and all of the other members of our church, along with my favorite Walmart employees. They have all contracted some sort of severe stomach virus.  Can you believe they were at church yesterday?  What will we do if we get it on top of the one we already have!  8:16 a.m. Monday

Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that sick people sometimes have to get out.  For mandatory things like WORK, CHICKEN BROTH, and MEDICATION.  Not for shopping, a visit to a nursing home, or out to eat. 

ENTER BOOGER LADY.  If you were shopping at the Target in Osage Beach today and dripping snot on the floor, please stop reading or prepare to be offended. 

I was standing in the checkout with my four clearance items, staring off into space, when I hear it.  ‘Sniff, Sniff’.  Drugs are a pretty big problem around here, but not so much at Osage Beach, so I look up.  I see a well dressed, middle-aged woman reaching around me to grab a pack of Kleenex.  She accidentally brushed my arm, and politely said ‘Excuse Me’.  “I’d  better grab Kleenex, this cold just won’t go away!  I think I’ve got strep, but I’m too busy to go to the doctor.”  She then rubs the underside of her nose with her index finger- repeatedly.  When the cashier was done ringing her up, she picked up the stylus for the credit card machine to finish her transaction.  She alternated which hand she held the stylus with so that her index finger could continue plugging her nose. Once she finished, her teenage son piped up and said, “While we’re at the mall, can we swing by Aeropostale?”  SERIOUSLY?

Then it was my turn.  “Hi honey, did you find everything okay?”  “Yes, I did.”  “Your total is $4.86.”   I swiped my card, trying to figure out how to enter my PIN without touching the screen.  If only I had a spare stylus in my purse.  Who carries a spare stylus?  I normally have on of Katie’s DS ones in there, but I honestly had never thought of using it in this situation.  I never carry wipes- I really should.  One would have been perfect.  I gingerly touched the pad as if I were sticking my finger in a mousetrap.  Once I finished, I grabbed my bag and flew into the bathroom and vowed to come home and buy a set of emergency stylus.  I found these on Amazon: 3 Pack of Universal Touch Screen Stylus Pen (Red + Black + Silver)  for only 86¢ with FREE SHIPPING. 

The moral of this ridiculous story?  Stay home when you’re sick.  Have you watched Contagion?  I’ve not, but I can only imagine that this is how a plague that wipes out the entire population is spread.  You have the power to stop the spread of disease.  DO IT!

Like this story?  Check out the rest of the Diary of a Discount Shopper Series (The rest are better than this one- promise.)

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